For the past two weeks, people have started their 2024 New Year’s resolutions with some successes and some failures. That is perfectly fine. The path to self-improvement and reaching new goals is expected to come with some bumps in the road. The usual suspects in failure to keep up with your plans are usually time management, planning, and setting realistic standards. However, what happens when it isn’t necessarily a ‘you’ issue, but an environmental one when it comes to self-improvement? What happens when it’s your friend who are less than supportive of you taking the steps to change and improve your life?
Lean on Me
“The man with friends is rich” – Eritrean proverb
We make friends for many reasons, the first being the fact that we’re social creatures. We like people. Better yet, we like people who like the same things that we like. With friends, our lives are enriched, we’re exposed to new ideas, and concepts, and the best part is that we get someone to share it with. The best kind of friends are the ones who encourage us to explore our identities as we go through life. But not all friends are created equal. There are the best friends (top tier – strictly ride or die), the work friends (Only they truly understand the aggravation of the daily grind), and the frenemies (a solid relationship born out of rivalry and respect).
Each is a different breed of friendship that enriches our lives and adds something to it. You could never place a price tag on it, but each friend group encourages us to do more, reach our goals, and to never settle for a half-assed attempt because they know we can do better.
Endless Support
As our lives become enriched, we start to change so we can be our best selves. Luckily for us, changing for the better is easier when we have a strong support system. Friends are part of that support system. They are the cheerleaders, a line of defense against giving up, and will be there in the process of trying to accomplish whatever goal you’ve got your eyes on. For example, let’s take a list of goals that you would want support on.
I’m trying to learn a new language. (I’ll send you a text and you have to respond in that language)
I’m trying to cut back to reach a savings goal. (Nice! I’ll look for low or free activities for us to do)
My hangovers keep getting worse. I have to cut back on drinking. (Respect. Hydrate or diedrate. Let’s go for a walk.)
Each friend’s response is a confirmation that the goal is worthy and that they support the goal. They understand that you are trying to change and they want to see you succeed. This is a positive environment and when you surround yourself in a positive environment, you’re more likely to succeed.
Origins of Friendship
Friendships can start anywhere but be honest about why you became friends in the first place. Were you friends because you found someone who had the same interests, held the same morals, and had similar goals in mind? Or was it you sat together at lunch during middle school and you never went beyond developing it?
Friendships require work. You have to do something to maintain it. If it’s nothing more than a ‘hello’ in the hallway at work or lunchroom chats at school, this is person really a friend or are they more of a casual acquaintance.
Criticism or Concern?
Relationships will change. Sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. Be alert to signs that your friend does not want you to succeed or hopes that you’ll fail. Please note that this should not be taken as black and white. People are complicated. What you might perceive as blatant unsupportive behavior could be your friend encouraging you to look at the bigger picture. For example, you want to quit your old job and start your own business. Your friend is concerned that you won’t break even for two years? That you’ll be without health insurance? That the fail rate for first-time niche businesses is high?
These are legitimate concerns that can often be discarded when running on the high of chasing after self-improvement. Your friend requesting that you see the bigger picture and consider all the possibilities is nothing short of concern for your wellbeing. They want you to succeed but also want you to be aware of the danger and the realities of the situation that you’re entering into. This doesn’t mean that your friend would want you to stop pursuing your goal. This might look like:
I want to learn a new language and be fluent by the end of the year (That sounds like a lot. How about reaching limited working proficiency before the end of the year?)
I’m trying to cut back to reach a savings goal. (I know saving money is important for you, but I also know that you’ve worked hard. We planned on a vacation this year. How about instead of going to a resort, we do a staycation?)
My hangovers keep getting worse. I have to cut back on drinking (I’m glad to hear that you’re working on your health, but we’ve been drinking for a while. Have you thought about seeing a doctor?)
Each friend’s response is targeted at expanding the goal, providing autonomy, and encouraging seeking out resources that would make accomplishing the goal easier.
Crabs in a Bucket
Some people start up friendships because they want companionship, they want to build their own community, and they’re looking for interesting people. Then, some people become friends to have someone to positively compare themselves with. They might go:
“Sure, I’m not doing great, but at least I’m not a disaster like Susan.”
“My spending is out of control, but Jack’s house is being foreclosed. I’m doing fine.”
“Yeah, I drink pretty hard, but I don’t get blackout drunk like Wanda does every weekend.”
Some people don’t want other people to succeed. They would rather drag that person down and suffer just in the same way that they do. Change is hard. It takes time, effort, and energy. It’s easier to double down rather than to do an honest review of yourself. People who don’t do that, see people with similar habits or behaviors who start to change and internalize the idea that change is bad and their friend believes that they are somehow “better than me”.
Learning to Let Go
It’s a hard process to let go of a friendship whether it was years or months old. All yourself the time to be hurt and to grieve. The loss of a friendship can hurt as much as a physical death. Reflect and acknowledge the highs and lows that came with the friendship. However, what you don’t want to do during the grieving process is to take your anger to your social media. It can travel like wildfire. Things can be taken out of context and worse, once it’s out there, you can never take it back. If you’re feeling to need to rage and to bash, write a letter and burn it.
Expanding Your Horizons
In the end, we all only have one life to live. Should we be satisfied with the most mediocre efforts? No. I fully believe that we should all strive to be our best selves. The choices that we make and our pursuit for self-improvement should be celebrated, not torn down by false friends disguising their envy and loathing as concerns. Should you find yourself surrounded by a friend who cheers whenever you stumble, do yourself a favor and don’t keep your friends close and your enemies closer.
As always, if you or a loved one are struggling or in crisis, experiencing severe emotional distress, or in need of immediate assistance, please do not solely rely on the information provided on this blog. Instead, we strongly encourage you to seek help from qualified mental health professionals or utilize the hotlines here. If you are seeking therapeutic services and do not know where to begin, please consider Psychology Today.
