Valentine’s Day is but two weeks away and love is in the air. Between November and February, over 25% of couples pop the question! It’s a whirlwind of emotion. With the promise of starting the rest of your life with that special someone and the stress of planning out that perfect wedding, it can place rose-colored glasses on glaring issues that need to be discussed before walking down the aisle. Here are the top three pre-wedding talks to have with your soon-to-be spouse.
Children
First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby with a baby carriage. For the longest time, following these societal steps was once seen as the foundation of a solid marriage and the basis of a happy life. But not so anymore. More and more adults are choosing to be child-free or are strongly reconsidering the idea of having children due to getting shut out of the housing market, rent prices sky-rocketing, food prices bloating to extremes, stagnant wages, childcare costs costing as much as a full-time job, medical debt, climate change, student loan debt, and an increase in school shootings. Overall, it can be daunting to broach the idea of raising children. Still, starting a family is a priority for many couples. When discussing the idea of raising children, couples should be able to answer the following questions:
Do we want children?
Sometimes the topic of having children doesn’t actually ever happen. Babies are born and the couples march on without ever diving any further into it. Children can massively change how a couple’s dynamic and alter life goals.
How many children?
Children are expensive. All couples should discuss if having multiple kids is an option and what the rising cost would mean for quality of life.
What healthcare options are available for us should we encounter pregnancy issues?
With Roe v. Wade overturned and an exodus of OBGYNs and women’s health professionals fleeing red states, the quality and accessibility to healthcare options have become severely limited. Adding onto the threat of prosecution for medical care, never before has it made the journey of pregnancy as perilous as it is.
How will we parent our children?
There are four parenting styles: authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, and uninvolved. Whether we realize it or not, we have a tendency to follow the parenting style that our parents had or to go so hard in the opposite direction of that parenting style that it raises a multitude of other issues.
How will we teach actions to have consequences for our children?
I hate the word ‘punishment’ when discussing parenting children. It lends to the idea that any mistakes will be dealt with by a punishment. Children make mistakes, parents make mistakes, and for that, there should be reasonable consequences to the actions. We are all learning and it is important to remember that. Consequences should match the action. Extreme reactions to actions should be avoided at all costs.
How will we handle the division of labor?
Midnight feedings, PTA meetings, maintaining the household, on top of handling your careers can make the discussion of children fraught with feelings of being invalidated for the work that you contribute to the average day-to-day.
What are some of the biggest issues we had with our parents?
We all have issues with our parents. Whether it was a lack of trust and privacy or being overly concerned about appearances to keep up with the Joneses, we carry that baggage with us and can inadvertently, pass that baggage onto the kids. Engaging in self-reflection and reviewing childhood experiences can provide a wealth of information and aid in adjusting parenting styles and beliefs before the little bundle of joy arrives.
Finances
You are either a spender or a saver and depending on where you fall on the finance spectrum, it can greatly affect the quality of life that you enjoy with your spouse. As debt can quite literally kill any future that a couple desires, money talks become imperative before walking down the aisle.
Student loans
Going to college was once considered a gateway to a better life via increased wages, job security, and credibility. While this still rings true for certain fields, overall the price of college has increased to nauseating levels and has trapped an entire generation of college-goers to a lifetime of crushing student debt with little to no relief on the horizon. Student loan debt does not become your spouse’s debt when you marry, but how you file your income tax can change the amount of which you pay. It is important to meet with a financial advisor to discuss the best course of action.
Credit Card
To quote Caleb Hammer, “You’re not a credit card person”. Not all credit card debt is bad. In fact, you need some kind of debt to build up your credibility., but that means that you pay it off consistently. Very few people are ever credit card people. The idea of “free money” is tempting and in this wallet-crushing economy, credit cards are being used now more than ever to buy basics and essentials. Before joining finances, a review of both good credit card debt and bad credit card debt, and develop a plan of how many cards are necessary, if at all, and how debt will be paid off to reduce the chance of debt going into collections and ruining your financial future.
Careers
People have jobs, but not everyone has a career that requires moving from base to base, conducting extensive research on the other side of the globe, or following a specific research lab. A difference of opinion regarding the importance of careers within a marriage will inevitably cause discourse within a marriage. Medical professionals, financial analysts, lawyers, and chefs have some of the worst work-life balance but can be financially lucrative. As money remains one of the biggest issues couples face, reviewing the pros and cons of the importance of a career and the strain that it can have on a relationship. Reviewing potential issues: lack of intimate time, constant moves, and a general lack of work-life balance will aid in reducing the amount of stress that a couple will face. Additionally, by engaging in regular and open career aspirations, couples can get ahead of issues that might result in irreconcilable issues within the marriage.
As always, if you or a loved one are struggling is in crisis, experiencing severe emotional distress, or in need of immediate assistance, please do not solely rely on the information provided on this blog. Instead, we strongly encourage you to seek help from qualified mental health professionals or utilize the hotlines here. If you are seeking therapeutic services and do not know where to begin, please consider Psychology Today.
